Listening is the most important skill I ever learned. It is an amazing tool to help solve business problems. It will also help you build better relationships at work, home and in your community. Listening helped me to have a wonderful loving partnership with my late wife for 38 years and now with my new partner Linda. It also helped me to be the kind of father I wanted to be. 

Here are 10 tips to become skillful at the listening part of leadership communication. They will help you be a better leader.

1. Be aware of your biases. Your preconceived notions and attitudes often prevent you from hearing opposing facts/views. We hear things as we expect them to be. We often dismiss – or do not hear – statements that do not fit our belief system and values.

2. Let the other person talk until they have finished. Be willing to take the time to listen. This is hard for some people at first. Just slow down, take a deep breath and wait for the other to say what they need to say completely.

3. Look at the other person.

4. Stop doing what you are doing. Eliminate distractions. In one of my listening workshops a young man said that when his mother phones him she asks if he is watching television. If he is, she asks him to turn it off so they can talk. Stop watching and using the computer, too. Effective listening requires your full attention on the speaker. It is impossible to multi-task and be fully involved in listening.

5. Encourage with brief verbal responses, such as: yes, uh-huh, m-m-m, okay.

6. Encourage with nonverbal responses: nodding head, leaning in.

7. Acknowledge their feelings. Show empathy. Do not tell them they should not feel the way they do. Express their feeling by saying, “Sounds like you are frustrated.” If you say the wrong feeling, the other person will immediately tell you exactly what they are feeling. This listening response from you lets the other know you understand how they are feeling. When feelings are intense, using this tip helps calm the other down.

8. Paraphrase. Briefly repeat what you heard in your own words so the other person knows you got it. This takes practice. You will often hear something different than was said. When that happens, the other person will say it again to help you understand.

9. Mirror the other’s physical positions. Be subtle so that it is not obvious.

10. Do not give advice or lecture. That’s not listening.

Want more information about listening?

You can listen to my interview with Michael Rogers, Vice President of Communication at the Small Business Association of Michigan. Listening to it will help you know how to improve your listening skills and better communicate with your employees and customers, as well as family and friends. Just click the button below.

Get more advice and tips on growing your business by regularly listening to the Small Business Association of Michigan free audio seminars on your computer or mobile device. Go to http://www.sbam.org/radio and download at your convenience!

Photo by Jeroen van Oostrom

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer

The turle represents the fact that so many good ideas about leadership have been around for a long time, but are slow to be widely adopted.

Following are some things that caught my eye — some surprisingly — about leadership, communication, relationships and empathy.

Communication skills essential for leaders, says Harvard Business School

Nothing new here, but I liked this quote from a 2001 article: “Communication is the real work of leadership,” according to Nitin Nohria, Dean, Harvard Business School. He said a key skill is being able to talk in a way to make complex ideas accessible to others who may not share the same knowledge or background. Joseph L. Badaracco, Jr., Professor of Business Ethics at the school agreed. “You need a talent for simplicity — for saying things in a few words.”

Another essential skill is effective listening. Badaracco said in the article that he believes part of knowing your audience is the ability to listen. “With the fluidity of information in business today, leaders need to be masterful listeners; they need to be able to receive as well as send.” Read more at “What Makes a Good Leader.”

Relationships are important to effective leadership

I discovered a recent study that makes a fascinating point about how and why so many savvy leaders act in ways that diminish their effectiveness. Discoveries in neuroscience are producing some surprising observations about leaders and empathy. One discovery points out that other people need to feel that the leader “cares” about them.

Here was the key idea for me.   When talking with others, leaders must show they care by forgetting about their own issues, in order to understand the other person’s issues, thoughts and feelings. In neurological terms, thinking about their own issues limits the ability of leaders to focus on the other people. Their own problems get in the way. This defensive mode of thought tends to close a leader off from others. And others “get it” that you are not focused on them. Here’s the article

Lack of effective communication is a workplace issue 

Both managers and employees agree on this, according to a recent hiring trends survey conducted by Express Employment. The survey showed that effective communication is the most lacked trait among their leadership team and the most important quality a good leader can possess.

A good way to improve leadership and help to grow your business is by becoming a better communicator. Look for leadership communication tips here – and sign up to get these blog posts delivered to your inbox as soon as they appear by clicking here:

Here’s an article about the study.

Today’s college grads face communication challenges

Substantiation comes in a study conducted in September 2011 by Harris Interactive for American Express. Half of hiring managers say that recent grads use of social media has improved their ability to think out of the box, but has deteriorated their writing skills, ability to focus on a task, and verbal communication skills. Communication skills and a good attitude are the most desired qualities they look for when interviewing, say 62% of hiring pros, followed by:

• Qualifications/skill set (36%)
• Intelligence/knowledge (23%)
• Work history (11%)
• Educational background (10%)

Read more about the Millennial Career Study

 
Something old about brainstorming that was news to me

The “rules of brainstorming” include not discussing ideas while creating a written list of them. The idea has been to defer judgment while going for quantity. It turns out this is not the best way to get the best ideas.

The first empirical test of brainstorming technique was performed at Yale University in 1958. Students working alone came up with about twice as many solutions as brainstorming groups. And the solutions were judged more “feasible” and “effective.”   Numerous follow-up studies have come to the same conclusion. Keith Sawyer, a psychologist at Washington University, has summarized: “Decades of research have consistently shown that brainstorming groups think of far fewer ideas than the same number of people who work alone and later pool their ideas.” Here’s more info about it.

Something else I learned this week

I cut my finger in the kitchen two weeks ago and discovered something fascinating following treatment. Doctors are sewing up cuts using a technique new to me. Looking at the incision I discovered there is no scar. The doc ran the needle under the incision to the other side, then back under the incision to the beginning and tied off each stitch. It made a ridge of skin where the incision was. Ten days later there was no cut showing at all – and no scar!  Amazing. I got the stitches out yesterday. My finger looks great and the ridge of skin has flattened.

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer

Start the meeting with a purpose

Clarify the reason for the meeting. Is it to provide information, make decisions, discussion only and decisions later?

Use an agenda

This is a good way to keep yourself and everyone else focused. If you start a meeting without an agenda, create one. Working with the group, make a list of what needs to be covered and assign a time for each item. When you stick to an agenda you will lead people in meetings to stay on task. It helps you stay focused, too! And send the agenda out in advance so people can be prepared when they get to the meeting.

Use time effectively

That means start on time; end on time. It is amazing to me how many times I have attended meetings that start 10-15 minutes late. This is incredibly costly in wasted staff time for those who wait. Change your organization’s “time culture” by starting on time.

Direct attention back to the topic when it strays (and it will)

A good technique is to briefly summarize what has been said on the topic. This is also a good to do when people give too many details or repeat what they have already said. While observing meetings for my clients to improve meeting effectiveness I often have heard the same point made by the same person 3-4 times.

Control the flow

It’s normal for side conversations to start during meetings. My favorite response when this happens is to say: “We have two meetings going on here. Let’s have one meeting.” That gets everyone‘s attention back on the person currently speaking.

What problems do you have in meetings?

Comment below for feedback and suggestions to handle the problem. Share you thoughts.

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer

Today begins a video series of 10 tips to be a better listener. Each video is about 1-2 minutes. Today’s video is an introduction to the series.

In teaching and coaching leadership communication skills for more than 15 years, I’ve noticed that many leaders don’t listen well. Even in the workshop exercises we do to be better listeners, many people jump into problem solving immediately, instead of listening to get more information about the problem a person is presenting.

Most leaders are good at problem solving. But few leaders know much about how to be a better listener. I first learned listening skills to be a better parent. It not only helped with that, it helped create a wonderful relationship with my wife for 38 years before she died.

It also was invaluable in my public relations career where I focused on relationship building with community leaders to build support for my organizations, rather than using news releases and mass communication. It was a very successful approach, which required good listening habits.

Watching these videos and putting into practice the tips I recommend will make you a better listener, too. It will help you both at work and at home.

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer

Paying attention means staying focused on what the other person is saying.

I find that if I am in front of my computer while talking on the phone, the computer vies for my attention. It’s easy to read email or hit a link to something interesting. When I become aware that I am doing this, I swivel my chair around so my back is to the computer and I can give full attention to my caller. Or I move to a new location where there is less to attract my attendion. That’s one way that I pay attention when I am listening.

Studies have shown that you are less productive while multi-tasking, and I know it is true for me. Giving your full attention when listening will improve your listening skills.

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer

The Harvard Business Review says listening is one of the keys to effective leadership.

“Leaders who take organizational conversation seriously know when to stop talking and start listening. Few behaviors enhance conversational intimacy as much as attending to what people say. True attentiveness signals respect for people of all ranks and roles,” according to an article in the current issue (June 2012). The article, “Leadership is a conversation,” is by Boris Groysberg and Michael Slind.

Link to the listening portion of the long article here: Harvard Business Review

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer

On another Father’s Day after he died, I wrote “25 things I remember about Dad” and sent it to my kids. How will you honor your father this year?
 
Dear Dad:
 
You’ve been on my mind a lot with the approach of Father’s Day this year.  I’m proud of you and happy you’re my daddy. I know how hard you worked to give us a good home and a good life. We always had a nice place to live, plenty of good food and security.
 
Frankly, I didn’t appreciate you as much when I was very young as I did later.  You weren’t around much because you were doing what you had to do. 
 
You were risking your life to fight a war and save our democracy and our freedom.  (How can we ever express to you and the others who served in World War II how much it means to have saved our way of life?  I’m just glad you were there; and I’m glad you came back.)
 
You were working two full-time jobs most of your life because that’s what it took to provide for your family. There aren’t many men who would have the strength and determination to be able to do that!
 
You did something that made it much easier for me to give my family a good life like you did – you taught me the value of an education. I always knew I would go to college. You instilled in me an understanding of the importance of good grades and participating in what school had to offer.  It has been the foundation of my success in life. 
 
I’ve always admired your intelligence. You weren’t able to get much of an education yourself, but you are one of the smartest men I know.
 
As a child I didn’t realize how much you loved me. But I’m glad I found out before I was grown.  As a child I didn’t realize how much I loved you. Even today, my love and my appreciation for you continue to grow, Dad. I wouldn’t be what I am today without your love and the values you taught me. On this special day, I thank God you are my father.

Love,

Jack

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer

This is crucial when a person has strong feelings. Acknowledge those feelings by stating what you are sensing. You do this simply by saying, “It sounds like you are feeling frustrated.” Or whatever the feeling is.

Sometimes when a person talks to another with intense feelings (especially negative ones), there is a tendency to say, “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that way. It isn’t that big a deal.” That denies that the person’s feelings have validity.

This short video shares how to acknowledge feelings. Tip 7 is often difficult for males because we were taught as children not to show feelings or be aware of them in others. This tip is a very powerful one for reducing conflict and improving relationships.

Jack Pyle: The Face to Face Maximizer